Movie Review: Super Tanker

Super Tanker a.k.a Battle Tanker
UFO International Productions, USA, 2011.

 This DVD cost me £0.01, although the postage costs were much more expensive.

Asteroid falls in Alaska 1965. Forty years later military scientists take samples from ICE-10. Antimatter incident causes explosion of Canadian uranium plant. Originally ICE-10 was planned to be used as doomsday weapon. Admiral MacDonna (David Schofield) calls antimatter expert Robert Jordan (Ben Cross) to solve the crisis. They can not send it back to space because budget is tight (!) 

Robert Jordan

Admiral MacDonna

Since saving the world is budget-limited business, Jordan suggests sinking ICE-10 into ocean. 

The best of the best are needed for the mission. What they also need is a big boat. Enter Super Tanker Velizar! Colonel Hanley (Atanas Srebrev) and Greek skipper Captain Spyrou (Velizar Binev, funny the actor has same name as the ship, what are the odds) are responsible for the mission. Failure will result to mile high tidal wave and nuclear winter lasting thousand years. Try not to fail, have a nice day! 

Super Tanker Velizar

Captain Spyrou and first mate (Velislav Pavlov)

Barely has the ship started the voyage when a huge tidal wave hits. Then the sea is calm again (Wut!!!!) The wave causes little damage but magnetic field container of  ICE-10 is destabilized. Colonel wants to reboot the system but Jordan thinks the best solution is to vent as the antimatter produces hot gas or something. Captain thinks it is also time to pray. One or the other of the solutions work but ICE-10 produces an angry cloud (!!!!) Angry cloud destroys escort ship and helicopter. Jordan starts to cry. 

Colonel Hanley

Angry antimatter cloud

Jordan starts to cry

In Azerbaijan Adam Murphy (Callum Blue), Jackie (Jacky Woo) and Adam's girlfriend Morgan (Jon Mack) are consulting nuclear plant for problems. Morgan's brother Ben prevents nuclear meltdown and dies of radiation. Adam starts a new career as full time alcoholic. Jordan calls him back to service. Jordan gives Adam possibility to field test his theory about magnetic field superimposition. Jordan agrees and he does not even get a hangover (the dude has been drinking heavy for about two years!)

Adam Murphy and Morgan

Jackie and his motto

Adam must find his old team. Jackie gives valuable advice: "Groove is very important. Never lose Groove." Jackie's mother language is Engrish. He is a nice guy and everything he says sounds like a shout of encouragement. To cheer up Adam he says "Too much sorry! We saved lives!" Actually it later becomes a running joke that the Colonel does not understand a single word of what Jackie says. Morgan is still angry at Adam but agrees to join the team. When antimatter container begins to smoke again Colonel goes solo and hard resets the system. Another angry cloud appears, this time it is bigger. Nice job breaking it, chum!

Artist rendition of the movie "Super tanker"

When Adam and his team arrive in Super Tanker they have only three hours before critical system failure. Also antimatter cloud is heading to Honolulu. Macho jerk Colonel demands that the scientists must stabilize the magnetic field manually. The stabilization attempt fails and ICE-10 releases a happy cloud! Just kidding, third angry cloud destroys a passenger ship. Demi Moore look-a-like Press Secretary (Sarah Brown) holds a press conference and government tries a cover-up saying that hurricane is heading to Honolulu. Jordan spills his beans and reveals that it is an antimatter cloud. Expect to be fired soon, sir!

Press Secretary (Sarah Brown) in press conference. Note the flag on the left

The scientist trio tries to enter the chamber containing ICE-10 but there is lots of radiation. They are not Greek but very courageous anyway! Then the Admiral gets the idea to nuke the tanker. Will the heroes succeed? On which cheek should the captains scar be? How did some high-profile British TV-actors end up in this movie? Will Honolulu be destroyed and does it really matter anyway? Watch the movie and find out (or not)!

Jackie is cheerful guy

Syfy-production with terrible acting, cheap effects, silly dialogue and nonsense plot. What's not to love? For some reason the movie was renamed "Battle Tanker" in the UK, although the tanker does not battle. Well, technically it is not a tanker either but a dry cargo vessel. I guess "Super Dry Cargo Vessel" might have been a boring name. "Super Tanker" is partially produced by Phillip J. Roth. need I say more? Okay, for some of his other highlights see "Hyper Sonic"  and "Dragon Fighter"  and "Boa vs. Python"). Scar on captains cheek changes sides, green-screen usage sticks out like a sore thumb and there is even an upside down American flag in press conference scene. Absolutely lovely trash, recommended for seasoned fans of bad movies only. 

As with many direct-to-video productions, the cast includes many experienced Bulgarian actors. Atanas Srebrev who plays the Colonel has appeared also in some big budget movies such as "Hitman" and "300: Rise of an Empire" and "Ninja", also ship's captain Velizar Binev appeared also in "Hitman" and "Ninja" and also in "The Expendables 3." 

Rating: So bad it is good

Starring: Callum Blue, David Schofield, Jon Mack, Jacky Woo, Atanas Srebrev, Velizar Binev, Ben Cross, Jesse Steele, Velislav Pavlov, George Zlatarev, Vlado Mihailov, Neil Starzynski, Sarah Brown, Lincoln Frager, Owen Davis, Tobias Hewitt, Mike Straub, Emilia Klayn ,John Laskowski, Hristo Balabanov, Jeffery Scott Lando, Atanas Karakehayov, Antony Tanev
Director: Jeffery Scott Lando