Movie Review: Ernest Saves Christmas

Ernest Saves Christmas

Touchstone Pictures, Silver Screen Partners III, Emshell Producers, USA, 1988.

Santa Claus (Douglas Seale) is thinking about retirement and is searching for a successor. Children's TV show host Joseph Carruthers (Oliver Clark) is the candidate. Goofy taxi-driver Ernest P. Worrell (Jim Varney) gives Santa a ride, but Santa's bag is left in the taxi. Meanwhile Santa's reindeer gets stuck in the customs, much bedazzling storage workers Chuck (Gailard Sartain) and Bobby (Bill Byrge). Ernest and runaway teen girl Harmony (Noelle Parker) decide to return the sack to the rightful owner.

Ernest

Santa

Harmony

Joe's agent Marty (Robert Lesser) gets Joseph a role in a movie, and arranges Santa's arrest. However the role is in a horror movie that is not something Joe is comfortable with. If Joe doesn't become the next Santa, it could be the last Christmas ever! And can Ernest get the Santa's sleigh from the custom warehouse in time?

Elves

Christmas fish

Chuck and Bobby

Ernest-comedies are nowadays quite rare but the folks who were kids in 1980s-90s remember these. Before Jim Carrey took the career as America's rubber face, it was Jim Varney whose slapstick hijinks's entertained the audiences and annoyed the critics. So Ernest-movies were stupid but benevolent, and so Ernest's Christmas adventure is a feel-good Season movie with good laughs utilizing Jim Varney's skills. Ernest masquerades himself as a slick bureaucrat, old granny and hillbilly. Ernest visits his never seen onscreen pal Vern, and for some reason starts ripping electric lines from the walls. "Miracle on the 34th Street" variation has Santa bringing Christmas spirit to unbelievers, and returning runaway shoplifter Melody to the right path. Recommended as a bit different family cult Christmas comedy.

Starring: Jim Varney, Douglas Seale, Oliver Clark, Noelle Parker, Gailard Sartain, Billie Bird, Bill Byrge, Robert Lesser, Key Howard, Jack Swanson, Buddy Douglas, Patty Maloney, Beecher Martin, Barry Brazell, George Kaplan, Bill Welter, Joe Candelora, Danny Dillon, Lindsey Alley, Phran Gauci, Bill Cordell, Larry Francer, Jackie Welch, Daniel Butler, Antonio Fabrizio, Bob Norris, Carmen J. Alexander, Miriam P. Saunders, Cyndi Vicino, Tom Nowicki, Michael O. Smith, Jesse Stone, Angelique Walker, Zachary Bowden, Donna Phillip Miller, Paul Darby, Cynthia Ergenbright, Bob Barnes, Mike Hutchinson, Douglas Brush, D. Christian Gottshall, Ray Russell, Brett Cipes, Jon Freda, Cindy Haroutunian, Rosa Nevin, Jennifer Peña

Director: John R. Cherry III

October Belongs to Horror #2: The Moonlight Sonata (Kuutamosonaatti)

The Moonlight Sonata (Kuutamosonaatti)
Filminor, Finland, 1988.

Horror was for a long time a rare genre in Finland. In the 1980s tough film censorship comparable to British Video Nasty laws made sure that seeing many classics of genre films was only possible via smuggled bootleg video tapes. The Finnish horror films were countable on one hand's fingers. In 1988 director Olli Soinio made a cult hillbilly horror film in the vein of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" being a rare example of Finnish horror of that era.

Disturbed Family Kyyrölä lives on the countryside. Puritanic Mother (Soli Labbart) and her son Arvo (Kari Sorvali) keep Arvo's animal-like brother Sulo (Mikko Kivinen) locked in the basement. During the full moon the boys get insane. One night Sulo escapes and joins a gang of wolves.

Mother

Arvo

Sulo

Fashion model Anni Stark (Tiina Björkman) has run into some kind of scandal and gets enough of publicity. Manager Carli (Ville-Veikko Salminen) thinks that maybe vacation on the countryside would be cool her nerves. Motel manager (Risto Salmi) is hesitant to take visitors. But he arranges a desolate skiing cabin for Anni and her dog Ebba. In no time perverted Arvo starts to stalk her even stealing her panties.

Anni

Carli

Johannes

Annis's little brother Johannes (Kim Gunell) comes to see Anni. For Arvo tractor is like a chainsaw for Leatherface, so the maniac chases them in the forest. The local people look only barely more normal than the folks from "Deliverance" and they do nothing to help. Getting away alive from the degenerate village is harder than it seems. 

Tractor from hell

Local hunks

There is no question that the film will mean more to the Finnish audience (it was never meant for international publication). For me it has always been a proof that we can do genre savvy horror in Finland too. Arvo's demented one-liners have become cult favourite's. "Let's do mittens out of the cat" says Arvo when he looks at Anni's dog.

Stylish wintery cinematography and Antti Hytti's creepy soundtrack create an unnerving mood. The dialogue is scarce and for the most part it is monologue of Arvo. Likewise the bodycount is very low for a horror film. Even so the Kyyrölä Brothers are enjoyably demented horror villains. One weird nostalgic event is the cameo of Toivo Tuomainen as a shopkeeper. Toivo was known from electronic store 'Musta Pörssi' commercials as bustling salesman Topi, but here even he looks creepy.

Shopkeeper

Tiina Björkman in the main role is pretty, but mostly her acting here consists of looking worried and running away. Still in the second half she learns to fight back. Too bad her movie career was short, she had roles only in six movies, and she pursued a different career. Other actors Ville-Veikko Salminen, Mikko Kivinen, Kari Sorvali, Risto Salmi and Soli Labbart have all had a long career in Finnish movies, theater and TV-series. For some reason the movie is known in Germany as "Muttertag 2 - Die Söhne sind zurück" (with no connection whatsoever to Troma's "Mother's Day."). There is also a sequel that goes more to the direction of horror comedy.

Rating: Very good

Starring: Tiina Björkman, Kim Gunell, Ville-Veikko Salminen, Kari Sorvali, Mikko Kivinen, Soli Labbart, Risto Salmi, Toivo Tuomainen, Esa Anttila, Masaaki Hashimoto, Juuso Ruohomäki, Arthur Fuhrmann, Kai Honkanen, Matti Kuortti, Rolf Labbart, Jouko Lumme
Director: Olli Soinio

Movie Review: Sinbad of the Seven Seas

Sinbad of the Seven Seas

Cannon Films, USA, Italy, Iraq 1989.

Claimed to be based on Edgar Allan Poe's story "The Thousand and Second Tale of Scheherazade," but we only believe it because they say so.

Mother (Daria Nicolodi, known for Dario Argento's giallo films) reads her daughter a bedtime story about brave hero Sinbad the Sailor.

Buffed-up sailor named Sinbad (Lou Ferrigno) sails the seas with his merry men Prince Ali (Roland Wybenga), Viking (Ennio Girolami), Bald Cook (Yehuda Efroni), Chinese Soldier of Fortune Cantu (Hal Yamanouchi) and Poochie the Dwarf (Cork Hubbert). In Basra kind Caliph (Donald Hodson) rules the happy city. Princess Alina (Alessandra Martines) is awaiting for Ali. Evil Vizier Jaffar (John Steiner) wants to be caliph instead of the caliph and uses black magic to mesmerize the city making everyone mindless puppets.

Sinbad

Alina

Jaffar

So when Sinbad returns, there is nobody to welcome him. Unacceptable. Sinbad marches to the palace to see what is the problem. Jaffar throws Sinbad into dungeon and his friends have to save him but they get captured too. So Sinbad has to free himself using a rope made of snakes(!) Meanwhile Jaffar tries to corrupt the Princess and hides the magic jewels that protect the city. The Princess is tied to acrylic machine where colourful juice flows in tubes.

Sinbad's crew

Prince Ali

Tight spot

Jaffar has also ally, mercenary friend or whatever Soukra (1980s bodybuilder Teagan Clive) whose function is to sarcastically comment on Jaffar's failed attempts to destroy Sinbad. The dialogue hints that there was about to be Soukra's and Ali's duel but nothing such ever happens. In the end she is even partying with the heroes, who would have thought about that.

Jaffar and Soukra

Undead horrors, Amazons and rock monsters guard the gems. Amazon Queen Farida (Melonee Rodgers) can suck man's will away. And so the Amazon gymnasts capture the whole crew. Amazon Queen goes for the alpha male and vamps Sinbad. But once the curse is broken, the Queen is not so hot anymore. Bye!

Farida

On another island there are undead suits of armour (raising from the dead like the "Blind Dead"), jumping zombies but also eccentric Wizard Nadir (Leo Gullotta) and his nice daughter Kira (Stefania Girolami Goodwin) who gets kidnapped by hideous laser-shooting Zombie King. Jaffar is watching the show so Sinbad boasts like a pro-wrestler everytime he gets a gem. Curiously when there is a fight Sinbad always throws his scimitar away and trusts his muscles instead.

Kira

Balloon ride

I'm gonna get ya!

Enzo G. Castellari knocks off American Sinbad-films, and even taking couple of sets from Lou Ferrigno's Hercules-films. Dov Seltzer's synth-heavy soundtrack sounds typical for the Italian cinema of the 1980s but it is highly anachronistic for a peplum film.

Whereas the Hercules film tried to take the subject seriously (albeit with unintended hilarity) Sinbad does not even try. The beginning still goes on like a regular peplum, but then it goes into silly mode. Every scene with Jaffar is a riot as he delivers ham like it was Christmas coming. And the dialogue is such that the makers cannot have been serious. Of the crew Bald Cook and Poochie are the comical duo. Originally Luigi Cozzi was going to direct it but Enzo was called instead. The film was made in 1986, but shelved for three years (not a good sign) and in 1989 Cozzi was hired to save what could be saved and complete the unfinished film making the end results even more confusing. The result is an entertaining trainwreck that alternates between awesomely cheesy and so bad it is good. Although the story is childish, echoes from Italo-horror make this difficult to market as a family-oriented film.

This is an incredibly fun movie. And this film has even two Lou Ferrignos!

Rating: So bad it is good or Very good

Starring: Lou Ferrigno, John Steiner, Roland Wybenga, Ennio Girolami, Hal Yamanouchi, Yehuda Efroni, Alessandra Martines, Teagan Clive, Leo Gullotta, Stefania Girolami Goodwin , Donald Hodson, Melonee Rodgers, Cork Hubbert, Romano Puppo, Attilio Cesare Lo Pinto, Armando MacRory, Giada Cozzi, Daria Nicolodi, Ted Rusoff, Massimo Vanni

Directors: Enzo G. Castellari, Luigi Cozzi (uncredited)

Movie Review: The Adventures of Hercules II

The Adventures of Hercules II a.k.a Hercules II a.k.a The Adventures of Hercules (Le avventure dell'incredibile Ercole)

Cannon Italia Srl, Italy, USA, The Netherlands, 1985.

Envious Gods steal Seven Thunderbolts of Zeus and evil forces are released on Earth. Moon is about to collide with Earth so someone has to do something. Humans are sacrificing maidens to Antios the Fire Monster. Sisters Urania (Milly Carlucci) and Glaucia (Sonia Viviani) are trying to destroy the monster and ask help from the little people. The little people tell that Hercules (Lou Ferrigno) can help them. Since the last movie, Hercules has become a constellation but Zeus (Claudio Cassinelli) sends the beefy hero back to Earth. 

Glaucia

Urania

Zeus

As soon as Hercules has arrived, he is attacked by a wookie. After punching the stuffing out of it, Hercules finds the first Thunderbolt. Meanwhile rebellious Gods and Goddesses Flora (Laura Lenzi), Poseidon (Ferdinando Poggi), Aphrodite (Margie Newton) and Hera (Maria Rosaria Omaggio) use major blood donation from Atreus (Raf Baldassarre) to resurrect King Minos (William Berger). Meanwhile Glaucia meets Hercules but slime people (eeeww)  have kidnapped Urania (Milly Carlucci). 

Hercules

Furry monster

Hera

Goddess Euryale (Serena Grandi) turns humans into stone. Hercules would make a fine door stopper but he disagrees. Euryale's henchmen green laser men(?!) are only an easy practise. Euryale requires a more careful approach as her gaze is lethal.

The Gods shouldn't have trusted Minos as he and evil scientist Daedalos (Eva Robins) plan to use Ice Sword to destroy the Gods. Hercules also visits Mermaid Thetis (Sandra Venturini) who gives Hercules powers to destroy Antios. But enemies do not finish there as evil amazons and spider queen Arachne (Pamela Prati) make life difficult for Hercules and friends.

Minos

Thetis

Aphrodite

It has the same kind of silly fun as the prequel. The plot does not matter so much, as long as there are wild and crazy events happening. The film is stuffed with mythical creatures, so even most boss battles are quick. Sometimes it feels like a Japanese rubber monster movie, as monsters jump out everywhere like ninjas. And the end fight has King Kong vs Godzilla in space, I'm not kidding. The previous film had Hercules epically pushing apart the continents of Europe and Africa. This time Hercules tops that and pushes apart Earth and Moon when they are about to crash. If a third movie was ever made, what would there have been left to push apart? Galaxies?

Hercules triumphant

Space King Kong vs Space Godzilla

The handmade monster effects of the previous movie are now mostly replaced by animation and rotoscoping effects. But there is a stopmotion fight with Euryale that nods to Ray Harryhausen's Medusa battle in the original "Clash of the Titans." Otherwise the regular enemies are men in rubber suits. I wouldn't be surprised if the slime people- costumes were  leftoevers from zome zombie film.

Euryale

The filming sets are quite exhilarating. The architecture constantly uses massive heads. We're not in Kansas anymore.

Flora's temple

Euryale's lair

The dimension of the little people

Lou Ferrigno's wife Carla appears as Godddess Athena.

Athena

Rating: Very good

Starring: Lou Ferrigno, Milly Carlucci, Sonia Viviani, William Berger, Carla Ferrigno, Claudio Cassinelli, Ferdinando Poggi, Maria Rosaria Omaggio, Venantino Venantini, Laura Lenzi, Margie Newton, Cindy Leadbetter, Raf Baldassarre, Serena Grandi, Eva Robins, Sandra Venturini, Andrea Belfiore, Alessandra Canale, Pamela Prati, Christina Basili, Paola Marcari
Director: Luigi Cozzi