Movie Review: Snow Sharks

Snow Sharks a.k.a Avalanche Sharks a.k.a Sharkalanche a.k.a Avalanche Shark Attack
Titan Global Entertainment, Odyssey Media, Pulser Productions, Rogue State, The Cartel, Canada, 2014.

It is spring break and a group of brainless teens travels to Mammoth Mountain ski resort. Crazy mountain man Duffy (James Ouimet) tells that Skukkum-monster will kill those who go to the mountains. Sharks burrowing under snow start munching the unlucky party holiday goers. Soldier boy Wade's (Alexander Mendeluk) brother is missing as well Carol's (Nicole Helen) cousin. 

Just when you thought it was safe to go skiing

Adam

Duffy

Sheriff Adam (Richard Gleason) does not believe in Skukkum but his girlfriend Diana (Kata Nauta) tells that the snow sharks are real. Of course the town officials are reluctant to close the resort before it is too late. 

Madison (Kelle Cantwell) and Wade

Diana

From the producers of "Sand Sharks!" At least "Sand Sharks" had its moments. This one is utterly terrible and uses every single one of shark movie cliches. Scenes with cheap gore are at the same time predictable and surprising as the sharks can swim in snow that is only few inches deep popping out in locations where they shouldn't be. The characterizations are so weak that even the few potentially interesting characters are boring. This is so dumb that you will lose brain cells. 

Rating: Very bad

Starring: Alexander Mendeluk, Kate Nauta, Benjamin Easterday, Eric Scott Woods, Kelle Cantwell, Richard Gleason, Gina Holden, Jack Cullison, James Ouimet, Nicole Helen, Emily Addison, Mike Ruggieri, Erin Ross, Patrizia Cavaliere, Matt Gunther, Vinny Petengail, Richie Million Jr., Erika Jordan (as Yasmin Yeganeh), John Hundrieser, Amy Ninh, Haley Stewart, Michael Dostrow, Brett Reed, Charles Evans Jr., Abby Francis, Mika Brooks, Ryan Przestrzleski, Jonathan Widen, Spencer Brennan, Chris Prange, Blake Reistad, Jil Szewski 

Director: Scott Wheeler

Movie Review: Jurassic Shark

Jurassic Shark a.k.a Attack of the Jurassic Shark 

TomCat Films, Brett Kelly Entertainment, Dudez Productions, Canada, 2012. 

Hey, it is on IMDB's Bottom 100 Lowest Rated Movies list so it must be good! 

Dr. Lincoln Grant (Jurgen Vollrath) gets permission from Chairman (Jody Haucke) to start drilling through a pocket of ice under a lake. Oil drillers drill too deep and wake up an extinct Megalodon shark (that is actually not from Jurassic era). This happens offscreen as showing drilling platform punching through ice would be too expensive. Two bikini girls Tiffany (Sarah Mosher) & Brittany (Kala Gray) talk drivel and go to swim playfully splashing water. Shark eats them soon. No worries, new bikini girls will enter soon.

Chairman and Dr. Grant

Tiffany & Brittany

Some criminals and their boss Barb (Angela Parent) arrive at the lake area. They have stolen a painting and plan to escape in a rowboat. Shark has other plans and the painting falls overboard. The always hungry fish eats one of the bandits.

Barb, Rich  and Doug

Also Jill (Emanuelle Carriere) and her friends have decided to visit the lake. Jill wants to reveal the illegal oil drilling operation. Surprise! All of them are dressed in bikinis, except Mike (Kyle Martellacci). When the shark eats people from the both parties, they team up temporarily. So it is Bandit Team Barb, Rich (Duncan Milloy), Doug (Phil Dukarsky) vs. Bikini Team Jill, Tia (Christine Emes) and Kristen (Celine Filion). Then they happily wander in the forest. Soon the bandits take everyone hostages. Rich suddenly goes crazy and thinks that they should sacrifice the girls to the shark god, dead or alive. 

Mike and Jill

Kristen and Tia

Eaten by a terrible green screen effect

Dismal continuity - check! 

Cardboard characters - check! 

Overblown epic score - check!
Ultra-generic "plot" - check!

Terrible pacing (just wait until you see the stroll in the forest scene) - check!
Under or overexposed lighting - check!

Awkward use of slow motion - check!
Shark that is too big to live in the small lake but can stealthy prey its victims in knee-deep water - check!
(Bonus: It can even fly!)

Crunchy crispbread eating sound every time shark eats someone - check! 

Silly sequel-baiting end - check! 

12 minute end credits with beer ads - check!

This is completely amateur stuff with zero budget. Shark stock footage is combined with terrible CGI-effects. Even the shark has nothing to suggest that it is Jurassic, it is just a big shark. Also the sound recording is of variable quality. The acting is bad without much putting soul into the roles. Girls, the shark just ate your friend, at least try to look sad for more than five seconds! 

I think this was just an excuse to film some girls in bikinis. Right, dudes?

Cool!

It is not so bad that it is good, just bad. Still the director Brett Kelly has potential to become Canada's Ed Wood. Recommendable only for the most hardened trash movie connoisseurs. Check the trailer for highlights.

Rating: Very bad

Starring: Emanuelle Carriere, Christine Emes, Celine Filion, Angela Parent, Duncan Milloy, Phil Dukarsky, Kyle Martellacci , Joshua Gilbert Crosby, Kevin Preece, Jurgen Vollrath, Sarah Mosher, Kala Gray, Sherry Thurig, Jody Haucke, Darren Stevens, Ian Quick, Kimberly Wolfe

Director: Brett Kelly

Movie Review: Night of the Sharks

Night of the Sharks (La notte degli squali) a.k.a. Jaws Attack 

Starring: Treat Williams, Janet Agren, Antonio Fargas, Stelio Candelli, Egidio Termine, Nina Soldano, Salvatore Borghese, Carlo Mucari, John Steiner, Christopher Connelly, Ivano Silvari, Rinaldo Zamperla, Franco Ukmar, Ferdinando Tomassini, Marjorie Manushaw 

Director: Tonino Ricci (as Anthony Richmond) 

Amanecer Films, Belma Cinematografica, Cinematográfica Jalisco S.A., Koala Cinematografica, Motion Picture Corporation of America (MPCA), Víctor Films S.A., Italy, Dominican Republic, 1988. 

This movie can be found in Fuel Injected Films 20 Movie Collection by Mill Creek Entertainment.

Tourist in Mexico tries to hunt a shark named Cyclops but the shark hunts him. David Ziegler (Treat Williams) saves what is left of him. Later the nasty shark tries to steal David's boat. David has friends Paco from Panama (blaxploitation legend Antonio Fargas), Father Mattia (Christopher Connelly) and girlfriend Juanita (Nina Soldano). 

David Ziegler

Paco from Panama

Father Mattia and Juanita

Meanwhile David's crooked brother James (Carlo Mucari) hides a CD from gangsters. The disc includes information about Mr. Rosentski (John Steiner) who has some shady businesses with the government. James demands 2 million in diamonds or the CD goes public. James sends a copy of the disc to David. In Mexico James is murdered and the diamonds sink into sea. James stays alive long enough to say final words. David does not seem to be terribly upset about this.

James

Mr. Rosentski

Tony

The gangsters try to get information from David's ex-wife Liz (Janet Agren) who has money problems. Liz tries to persuade David to return the disc. Hitman Tony (Stelio Candelli) wants to kill David even without Rosentski's blessing. Tony's actions cause Liz to be eaten by shark. David is slightly upset about this. 

Liz

Garcia

Tony brings his team to finish off David. Italian actor Salvatore Borghese appears as Garcia the Hitman. David and Paco must survive the gangsters and save Juanita and Father Mattia. Although David does not like guns, he does not shy away from killing baddies with knives and Molotov's cocktails. 

David prefers knives

Flying car

Cyclops the Shark

The movie does not know if it wants to be comedy with Hill & Spencer style bar fights, hard-boiled action film, or shark horror movie. After acceptable start the movie goes downhill fast with bad direction and lazy script-writing. The movie has also some crazy plot twists with its own insane logic. I mean just look at this scene where hitman shoots at James: 

That is a shame because the cast is good. The not bad synthesizer-rich score by Stelvio Cipriani ranging from Italian suspense-style music to comical Caribbean tunes.

This image pretty much sums it up how the actors must have felt after seeing the movie

Rating: Bad or So bad it is good

Movie Review: Sharknado

Sharknado
Starring:  Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, John Heard, Cassandra Scerbo, Jaason Simmons, Alex Arleo, Neil H. Berkow, Heather Jocelyn Blair, Sumiko Braun, Diane Chambers, Julie McCullough, Christopher Wolfe
Director: Anthony C. Ferrante
Syfy, The Asylum, Southward Films, USA, 2013.

In the opening gambit some nasty shark fin hunters meet their bloody demise when a storm hits their ship and tosses some sharks on board. After that the story begins with storm approaching Los Angeles. Surfers try to have fun on the beach before the storm hits but they get attacked by sharks. Surfer dude Fin (Ian Ziering) saves his friend Baz (Jaason Simmons) from getting eaten by shark. 

Fin

Sharks attack unlucky surfers

BTW Baz looks a lot like Rammstein singer Till Lindemann. Fin owns a beach bar whose waitress Nova (Cassandra Scerbo) is traumatized by sharks. She channels her anger to killing sharks. Bar regulars include a drunk with a heart of gold George (John Heard). Fin's has an ex-wife wife April (Tara Reid), who has a new boyfriend Collin (Christopher Wolfe). 

Nova has a shark issue

The city starts flooding so Fin, Baz, George and Nova try to get to dry area. They also try to save Fin's family. To add to the catastrophe sharks start swimming up the streets and sewers. After surviving the first flood and shark attacks, something worse appears: hurricane David sucks thousands of sharks from the sea. People get eaten by flying sharks, it's a Sharknado! 

Fin's ex-wife April

Sharknado

Epic battle of Man vs Shark

The limited budget is used well. The special effects of the Asylum films are getting better. They are still cheap, but way ahead of previous Asylum efforts. But have no fear: there is still the good old changing weather in the middle of the scene- style goofiness. There are lots of silly one liners and cheesy dialogue. We also get sharp social commentary about the government who knows everything about us, even our favourite cheese. We also learn why it is a good idea to put a retirement home next to an airport: because old people can't hear. The movie has also drama: it tells a touching story about a man's attempt to repair the relationship with his separated family. Well, nothing works bringing family together better than blasting sharks!

On the minus side the usual tropes of B-movies are present, most of the supporting characters just wait to be mutilated by the sharks. There is again lots of just driving around but luckily better executed than in some previous Asylum films, *cough* 500 MPH Storm. However they are clearly refining their Syfy/Asylum disaster film pattern managing to make an entertaining bad movie experience.

It's raining sharks!

Asylum's Easter egg

Rating: So bad it is good or Very good