Movie Review: Da Hip Hop Witch

Da Hip Hop Witch

Barnholtz Entertainment, Raging Nation Films, Mogal Productions, Flutie Entertainment, USA, 2000.

What did I pay for this film? 50 Cents naturally.

'The Black Witch of the Projects' attacks the rap stars. It looks like a beautiful woman but turns later into a freakish monster. A very bad groupie probably. The rap producers offer ten million dollars for capturing the witch. Five white kids from Salem with Will (Dale Resteghini) as their leader travel to NYC and try to blackmail rap moguls. Street Don (La the Darkman) makes a bad deal with Big Z (Elijah Rhoades) who wants to take over his company. Street Don gets actually murdered at some point. Ghetto homeboys want to whack the witch. Mr Krump (David Scott Klein) the media mogul wants a good spoof so that means job for tabloid reporter Miss Josephine (Sherrita Duran). Her new secretary Dee Dee Washington (Stacii Jae Johnson) suspects that the witch is only a story told to boost record sales. Whatever. Nothing of that matters.

Eminem as himself

Will (Dale Resteghini)

Dee Dee Washington

So what we have one and a half hours (that feels like 12 hours) of detached scenes of rappers talking dirty and smoking weed, gangstas blustering and idiots cruising on the streets. At least the director knows a lot of rappers as numerous stars including Eminem, Ja Rule, Pras, Mobb Deep, Vitamin C, Rah Digga and Vanilla Ice(!) appear as themselves in endless series of interviews where they tell about their incoherent encounters with the witch. Especially Eminem gets extremely tiresome when he repeats and repeats and repeats (AAAARGH!) the story about how he went to some party in hope of getting free drugs and ended up being molested by the witch (and revealing something about his sexual fetishes that we really didn't want to know). 

Ice Ice Baby

Professor X

Big Z

The movie is shot with handheld cameras in faux documentary style (= it looks like crap). It looks as if the cameramen were just as stoned as the rappers. Frankly, most home movies look better than this. Plotwise (when it finally gets going in the last twenty minutes) it is a rough parody of 'Blair Witch Project' and one of the terrible ripoffs that tried to piggyback on the popularity of the original. 

Just Cruisin'

I have seen some bottom-of-the-barrel hip hop/gangsta movies (for example "The Wrecking Crew"  and "Hood Angels") but this one is more like a hole in the barrel. If I someday make a list of worst hip hop films, this will rank in the top positions.

The movie was made just before Eminem's big break. It was so terrible that he wanted his scenes removed from the film. However the demands were overruled. To add to the insult the distributor Artisan Entertainment inserted a big picture of him in the VHS and DVD covers. Just about the only good thing about it is that it kinda works as an anti-drug education. Don't do drugs or you may agree to appear in films like this.

Stay away from Da Hip Hop Witch!

Rating: Very bad

Starring: Eminem, Ja Rule, Pras, Vanilla Ice, Rah Digga, Mobb Deep, Charli Baltimore, Dale Resteghini, Steve Grillo, William Harbour, Amy Dorris, Mia Tyler, Spliff Starr, Stacii Jae Johnson, Vitamin C, Benzino, Jonathan Martin, Rock, Michelle Bernard, David Scott Klein, Sherrita Duran, Elijah Rhoades, Tony Prendatt, Namakula the Goddess, La the Darkman, Afu Ra, Professor X, Charlene Quashie, Culver Casson, Jolene Vettese, Pamela Schamberge, Dina Herdigein, Deborah Rigaud, Lucien Taylor, Raven Davis, Beverly Peele, Killah Priest, Royce 5'9", The Outsidaz, Severe, Hell Razah, Dyme, The Cella Dwellas, Lord Jamar, Lidu Rock, Deuce Dutch, 44 Fiedel, Dani Girl, Ill One, Jo Jo, Made Men, 803, Makeba Mooncycle, TC, Diezzle Don, Rhytm Trip, Northstar & Deniro, Chris Simmons, Hangmen 3, Sci, reg reg, Eric Rhea, Parker Holt, Jordan Ashley 
Director: Dale Resteghini

Movie Review: Witchcraft (1988)

Witchcraft a.k.a Witch and Warlock 

Vista Street Productions, USA, 1988. 

Another film that I picked up for 50 Euro cents. BTW, your Pentagram is upside down.

300 years ago a witch-couple were burned at the stake. In present day Grace Churchill (Anat Topal-Barzilai) and his husband John (Gary Sloan) get a baby, William. Grace's friend Linda Swanson (Deborah Scott) tiptoes around the hospital and for a while the film looks like a comedy. Grace and John move to John's mother's house and everything is nice. Except for scary and mute butler Ellsworth (Lee Kissman). 

Grace

Elizabeth

Linda

However happiness will not last as John and his mother Elizabeth (Mary Shelley) are Devil worshippers. Grace begins to see terrible visions. Priest Father James (Alexander Kirkwood) throws up when he sees the baby, that can not be a good sign. Later James gets terrible skin disease and hangs himself. The diary found in the basement reveals that John and Elizabeth are reborn witches who want to turn the baby into Antichrist.

Father James

John

Ellsworth

Low-budget clone of "Rosemary's Baby" was the first of the sixteen part direct to video movie series. In the same year was publisher other film with the same title starring Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff. I haven't seen the other films of the series and the first movie did not make me particularly interested in seeing the rest. If there is any truth in the IMDB ratings sequels didn't get any better than the first. Apparently the series evolved into "Omen" clones and later into "X-Files" of "Angel" clones with gratuitous nudity (nothing like that is here though). I suspect some of the actors appeared under aliases as Mary Shelley and Victoria Ressurection are unlikely real names. The worst sin of the movie is that it is so damn dull. Ominous synthesizer music jumps in all the time and nothing much happens. Except then when some lousy gore scenes appear. The lack of suspense is screaming. Instead we get some Z-grade soap opera as John does not have enough time for his wife. Only Deborah Scott brings some comic relief. Also technically it looks adequate, like a TV-level production.

Most of the actors involved appeared later only in a handful of other films. The director Rob Spera went on to direct more direct to video films and also episodes of "Criminal Minds" and "Army Wives." Origional (sic) screenplay by Jody Savin who has later written scripts for better films such as "Bottle Shock." It is no wonder that many early works of movie professionals are terrible as they are just practicing their skills. What is a wonder is why "Witchcraft" got all those sequels.

In the cover picture Grace has a bad hair day with skull growing from her head. 

Rating: Bad 

Starring: Anat Topal-Barzilai, John Stocton as Edward Ross, Mary Shelley, Deborah Scott, Alexander Kirkwood, Lee Kissman, Ross Newton, Charles Grant, Lilian Lane, Karen Michaels, Cynthia Bell, Victoria Ressurection, Ofelia Montano, Steve Decker, Trevor Narom, Sarah Neece, Florence Stone Fevergeon, Lou Starr, Rocco J. Basile, Louis Brill, Blanche Brill, Eliabeth Peterson, Liz Kane, Bandy Stillwell, Jay E. Joyce, Alan Levy, Paul Kowalcyk, Caroline Guyer, Jody Savin, Brett Meehan, Aaron King, Taylor Green, Aquiles Pietri, Bill Shirreffs, Dorothy Brittner, Kristine Crewse, Lori Singman, Kathy May, Jeffry Fox, Rick Roberts, Laura Rosen, Susan Kowalski, Dean Guillies, Moshe Mashiach, David Fox, Ina Matherly, Shay Chan, Wendi Otto, Toni Witt, Erin McCoy, Deborah Spera 

Director: Robert Spera

Movie Review: Rise of the Black Bat

Rise of the Black Bat a.k.a The Black Bat Rises

Tomcat Films, Brett Kelly Entertainment, Dudez Productions, Canada, 2012.

Tony Quinn (Jody Haucke who also appeared in "Jurassic Shark") was a district attorney before crime boss Oliver Snate (Leo Frost) blinded him with acid just before the trial. (Justice is blind, get it?) His friend, reformed rogue named Silk Kirby (Richard Groen), told him not to lose hope. Daughter of one of Snate's victims, Carol Baldwin (Dixie Collins), arranged him experimental treatment that gave him an ability to see in dark. He is an excellent shooter (although you wouldn't believe it when you see the action scenes) and he can also vanish instantly when the bad guys look the other way. 

Tony Quinn and assistant Roberta (Celine Filion)

Carol Baldwin

Oliver Snate

Tony puts on a rubber mask and becomes the vigilante superhero Black Bat. First thing to do is to visit a bikini contest. Because why not? As we know from "Jurassic Shark" the guys at Brett Kelly Entertainment love random bikini scenes! At least it takes the focus away from the generic plot for almost 10 minutes. The Black Bat then brings down Snate's crime organization and becomes the hero of the city.

The Black Bat

Sandy, Brandy, Mandy and Candy

Fierce action.

"Rise of the Black Bat" is a Z-grade Batman mockbuster with dose of Daredevil and Punisher. Surprisingly it is based on a real 1930s comic character created by Norman A. Daniels. It is an amateurish zero budget production with bad lighting, sound and cinematography. It looks as if some guys bought some video cameras and started filming in the school (or a gym) and someone's home. The acting is generally bad but at least some of the actors have survived to appear in more serious productions. In addition to terrible production quality, unintentional humour comes from the dead serious main character. Kudos for amusingly dramatic voice over and soundtrack that is not great but could be worse. There is a lot of padding as same scenes are recycled. The gunfights have guys shooting and missing when the distance is about one metre. It is the kind of film that was probably fun little project for their friends and families to see but for others it more fun for MST3K style watching purposes. However the makers of the film are still in the business making movies of dubious quality. Maybe they eventually become The Asylum of Canada but it is a long way to go (sic).

Nice teeth, Bats.

Something has to be said about the original comic. The story seems to quite faithful to the origin of the comic character. Black Bat appeared first in 1933-1934 as character in by Murray Leinster's pulp stories. Norman A. Daniels (using nom de plume G. Wayman Jones) created the comic character in 1939 and wrote the origin story about D.A. who is blinded by acid. The publishers of Black Bat and Batman both accused each other for plagiarism, but both of the characters were allowed to continue their adventures. And possibly both of the characters were inspired by comic character The Shadow and the killer using a bat-suit in "The Bat." Bill Finger and Bob Kane seemed to copy the Black Bat's origin story: district attorney Harvey Dent gets acid thrown on his face and becomes Two-Face. Also Daredevil is another blind lawyer with superpowers. And the Joker... inspired by The Man Who Laughs! The Black Bat comic was published in 1939-1953 and the character still appears in German pulp novels (as Schwarze Fledermaus). 

Rating: Very bad or So bad it is good

Starring: Jody Haucke, Richard Groen, Dixie Collins, Leo Frost, John E. McLenachan, Dan Demarbre, Celine Filion, Paul Finnigan, Anik Rompré, Anthony Quinn, Edmay Tasse, Chris Urquhart, Brett Kelly (as Mile Long), Anne-Marie Frigon (as Teresa Pike), Ian Quick, Darren Stevens, Angela Zakos, Bianca Jasmine Gray, Stefanie Moore, Rebecca Kennedy, Andy Keyworth, Jeff Hynes, Cory Tibbits, Chad, Cory's Buddy, Jordan Richer, Mac Dale, Cynthia Sanoy, Allen Roulston, Frank Rothery, David A. Lloyd, Dario Sciola, Vicki Mavraganis, Glen Albert, Karl Sauve
Director: Scott Patrick

Movie Review: Army of the Dead

Army of the Dead a.k.a The Curse of the Anasazi

Contifilms, USA, 2008.

In 1590 Coronado sends general Fernando Degama and thousand conquistadors to find El Dorado. They find gold but army of skeletons whacks them to death.

John Barnes

Amy Barnes

Professor Vasquez

Centuries later John (Ross Kelly) and Amy Barnes (Stefani Marchesi) are driving to desert location in Mexico. Amy has arranged some dirt racing fun. Also Professor of Archaeology Gordon Vasquez (Miguel Martinez) is invited to the race. It is slightly awkward that John's ex Jenny (Audrey Anderson) and his boyfriend Tobias (Malcolm Madera) are there also. Jenny is still trying to seduce John. Third couple are Matt (Vic Browder) and Alicia (Casey Messer) but they have little importance in the story. Apparently all of them are Professor's students. The race organizers are Fred (Mike Hatfield) and Kristen (Jocelyn Tucker).

Kristen and Fred

Tobias and Jenny

Alicia and Matt

The team gives John a 16th century katana as his birthday present. The Professor tells a ghost story about cursed gold of the Anasazi Indians hidden in the desert. The skeletons kill everyone who finds the treasure, so logically the Professor has a death wish and wants to find it. He has hired some unreliable mercenaries to help him. The map shows that the treasure hidden in the Cave of Souls. The skeletons wake up and start to manufacture some fresh skeletons.

Dirt racing

Dem bones

Skeletons have even a cannon

So the naughty skeletons kill a bunch of people and the Professor becomes possessed. The survivors hide in old radio tower. Hmm, "Assault on Precinct 13" with skeletons? Still the setting is not used adequately. Luckily they have the guns of the dead mercenaries and John has his samurai sword. Also electricity seems to be effective against the skeletons (but isn't bone an insulating material...) In the end there is a slight nod to the finale of "The Terminator."

Absolutely shocking

The concept of the movie sounds promising. Skeleton warriors with shotguns! The cover image looks cool. It looks like homage to Ray Harryhausen's stop motion animations and "Army of Darkness." Then the movie begins and brings a disappointment. First the picture quality looks like cheap digital video. Second the characters are generic and boring. Third it takes ages before the skeletons appear. Again the cover image promises more than it can hold, there are no skeletons armed with Spas-12 shotguns, and only one skeleton uses some regular pump-action shotgun. On the positive side it has some almost good skeleton effects. However the animations are reused over and over again. Except for clouds of badly animated CGI blood, this looks something only kids could take seriously. Lots of time is spent on just driving around the desert (something that seems to happen often in cheap scifi/horror films for example the films of The Asylum or "Manos the Hands of Fate"). It could have been passable B-movie if the characters had been more interesting, or there had been some humour, either intended or unintentional.

Rating: Bad

Starring: Ross Kelly, Stefani Marchesi, Miguel Martinez, Mike Hatfield, Casey Messer, Malcolm Madera, Audrey Anderson, Vic Browder, Jocelyn Tucker, Jeff Mocho, Matt Comacho, Jason E. Hill, Brian Neal Lucero, Mateo Sarria, Angelo Trujillo, Brendan Clark, Morgan Clark, Fernando Gonzales

Director: Joseph Conti

Movie Review: Hood Angels

Hood Angels a.k.a Cool Angels

York Pictures Inc., Urban Girl Productions Inc., USA, 2003.

Three women are arrested for beating up some scum. Felicia (Kita Sha) is a bikini model. She is arrested for assaulting group of creeps who tried to force her into topless photos. Cinnamon (Kenia Brown) is arrested when she defends her brother Snitch (Michael Anthony Scott) and beats up a thug. Traci (Allison Nurse) attacks a gang member (Lee Anthony Marks) who went gone overboard and almost beat up a car thief to death.

Felicia

Cinnamon

Traci

Rapper Chris 'Nitro' Jones (Juvenile) meets his old lawyer friend Larry 'Bling Bling' Washington (Ajmal). Nitro wants Larry to take care of his sister Cinnamon if Nitro dies. Well what do you know, soon Nitro is murdered.

Chris 'Nitro' Jones

Larry Washington

Assassins

The record company Murder Boi has a field day as Nitro's records sell like hot cakes. Record company boss J Day (Layon Gray) is blackmailed by Lt. Gallo (Charles D. Allen). Gallo wants money so he will leave the record company outside the murder investigations. However this blackmailing has no effects on the rest of the story.

J  Day

Shayla

Baby Boy

The other artists and possible gainers from Nitro's murder are rappers Shayla (Erica Goings) and Baby Boy (Skip) and chief financial officer Keefer (Derrick Bishop). To succeed as a rapper in Murder Boi you must have a set of gold teeth. Lejon the mail room clerk (Ronko Moore) brings to mind Marlon Wayans (unfortunately). There is also a guy in suit named Lamioner (Darrick Collins). I mean the guy is named Lamioner, not the suit. I don't know, maybe he is the record company's bodyguard or something.

Keefer

Lamioner

LeJon

The three ladies start to work for Larry. **Cough** "Charlies Angels." Their first case is finding the murderer of Nitro. They get undercover jobs at J Day's firm. It is a dangerous task as all the men in the firm are lusting after the Hood Angels. Luckily the record company has not invested in any acoustic insulation so it is easy to eavesdrop through the paper thin walls. Apparently Murder Boi is laundering money and Nitro was killed for finding it out.

The sound quality is bad, often the traffic noise overwhelms the dialogue. The acting is terrible and you see better action choreography in Friday night grill kiosk queue. The script makes absolutely no sense. The making of featurette has higher production values than the actual film. The DVD-cover looks badly Photoshopped and none of the heroines use guns of nunchakus. It is hard to understand if the makers were serious about the film as it looks like something that a group of friends would put together during a weekend.

Rating: Very bad

Starring: Juvenile, Kenia Brown, Allison Nurse, Kita Sha, Derrick Bishop (as Armont Casale), Erica Goings, Layon Gray, Ajmal, Skip, Charles D. Allen, Darrick Collins, Alton Demore, Dixon Edwards, Ronko Moore, Guy Brody, Tony Spann, Jacquoline Hilton, Karlissa A. Harvery, Thomas Carlton, Lee Anthony Marks, Vic White, Clifton Nelson, Cedric Wynn, Kyona Levine, Michael Anthony Scott

Director: Paul Wynne