Movie Review: The Wicker Man (2006)

The Wicker Man (2006)
Warner Bros., Alcon Entertainment, Millennium Films, Redbus Pictures, Saturn Films, Emmett/Furla Films, Equity Pictures Medienfonds GmbH & Co. KG III, Nu Image Entertainment GmbH, Brightlight Pictures, Wicker Man Productions USA, Germany, Canada, 2006.

The Wicker Man remake (2006) is widely regarded as a terrible film. Let's see if the rumours are true! 

Edward Malus (Nicolas Cage) is a bored small town cop. He stops a single mother with a bored daughter. Then they both burn to death in car accident. The bodies were never found. Traumatized Edward wants to resign but a bored female cop (Kendall Cross) comes to meet him and say hello. 

Edward Malus

No it's not!

Ed's old girlfriend Willow (Kate Beahan) writes that her daughter Rowan has vanished in Summersisle. She asks help from Ed. Mystically the letter was unstamped! Ed goes to his workplace and meets more bored cops. He decides to go to search for the lost girl, maybe it will be less boring. Summersisle is a small farming community with beekeeping business. Coincidentally Ed is allergic to bees.

Sister Willow

On his way to the secluded island Ed bribes a bored old pilot (Matthew Walker) to fly him there. There he meets some freaky ladies. Someone even steals Ed's motivational tapes! There are only about four men on the island and they behave like slaves. At night an empty barn tries to kill Ed. Only one woman, Sister Honey (Leelee Sobieski) is helpful (because she is bored and wants to leave the island). Schoolkids and teacher Sister Rose (Molly Parker) lie about never knowing Rowan, but then she claims that Rowan died.

Sister Honey

Sister Rose

The society is ruled by Sister Summersisle (Ellen Burstyn). There is also a photographer Dr. T.H. Moss (Frances Conroy) who takes the Harvest Festival pictures. Moss says that the Harvest Festival is a rather humdrum affair, why am I not surprised? So despite being unable to get clear information from the islanders and getting stung by the bees, Eddie manages to find clues about ancient pagan rituals. Finally Ed puts on bear costume and punches some women in the face.

Sister Summersisle

Step away from the bike!

Regular people on Summersisle

Nicolas Cage looks very awkward and clueless. Usually decent actors plod around the island like zombies. The dialogue feels uninspired and awkward. Nicolas Cage has some absurd lines and pulls a variation of 'We don't need no stinking badges!' The actors look like they would say 'Whatever' at any moment. The original 1973 "Wicker Man" had a creepy Pagan festival atmosphere, this has replaced the Pagans with creepy feminist cult. The misleading jump scares are embarrassing and laughable. The additions to the original story make no sense. For a horror film it is a catastrophe when it tries to be creepy but ends up giving more laughs than an usual modern spoof movie. As this is a Hollywood-sanitized version, all eroticism of the original story has been removed, as well as Paganism vs Christianity setting. This is a lifeless remake that makes feel embarrassed on the behalf of the people involved in the production.

The Wicker Man

Rating: Very bad 

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Ellen Burstyn, Kate Beahan, Frances Conroy, Molly Parker, Leelee Sobieski, Diane Delano, Michael Wiseman, Erika-Shaye Gair, Christa Campbell, Emily Holmes, Zemphira Gosling, Matthew Walker, Mary Black, Christine Willes, Sophie Hough, David Purvis, Xantha Radley, Tania Saulnier, Anna Van Hooft, Moraea Bieber, Jayda Bieber, Talia Ranger, Kendall Cross, Simon Longmore, Andre Danyliu, Jacqueline Robbins, Joyce Robbins, Aaron Eckhart, James Franco, Jason Ritter, Monique Ganderton, George A. Murphy, Talia Rogers

Director: Neil LaBute