Movie Review: Da Hip Hop Witch

Da Hip Hop Witch

Barnholtz Entertainment, Raging Nation Films, Mogal Productions, Flutie Entertainment, USA, 2000.

What did I pay for this film? 50 Cents naturally.

'The Black Witch of the Projects' attacks the rap stars. It looks like a beautiful woman but turns later into a freakish monster. A very bad groupie probably. The rap producers offer ten million dollars for capturing the witch. Five white kids from Salem with Will (Dale Resteghini) as their leader travel to NYC and try to blackmail rap moguls. Street Don (La the Darkman) makes a bad deal with Big Z (Elijah Rhoades) who wants to take over his company. Street Don gets actually murdered at some point. Ghetto homeboys want to whack the witch. Mr Krump (David Scott Klein) the media mogul wants a good spoof so that means job for tabloid reporter Miss Josephine (Sherrita Duran). Her new secretary Dee Dee Washington (Stacii Jae Johnson) suspects that the witch is only a story told to boost record sales. Whatever. Nothing of that matters.

Eminem as himself

Will (Dale Resteghini)

Dee Dee Washington

So what we have one and a half hours (that feels like 12 hours) of detached scenes of rappers talking dirty and smoking weed, gangstas blustering and idiots cruising on the streets. At least the director knows a lot of rappers as numerous stars including Eminem, Ja Rule, Pras, Mobb Deep, Vitamin C, Rah Digga and Vanilla Ice(!) appear as themselves in endless series of interviews where they tell about their incoherent encounters with the witch. Especially Eminem gets extremely tiresome when he repeats and repeats and repeats (AAAARGH!) the story about how he went to some party in hope of getting free drugs and ended up being molested by the witch (and revealing something about his sexual fetishes that we really didn't want to know). 

Ice Ice Baby

Professor X

Big Z

The movie is shot with handheld cameras in faux documentary style (= it looks like crap). It looks as if the cameramen were just as stoned as the rappers. Frankly, most home movies look better than this. Plotwise (when it finally gets going in the last twenty minutes) it is a rough parody of 'Blair Witch Project' and one of the terrible ripoffs that tried to piggyback on the popularity of the original. 

Just Cruisin'

I have seen some bottom-of-the-barrel hip hop/gangsta movies (for example "The Wrecking Crew"  and "Hood Angels") but this one is more like a hole in the barrel. If I someday make a list of worst hip hop films, this will rank in the top positions.

The movie was made just before Eminem's big break. It was so terrible that he wanted his scenes removed from the film. However the demands were overruled. To add to the insult the distributor Artisan Entertainment inserted a big picture of him in the VHS and DVD covers. Just about the only good thing about it is that it kinda works as an anti-drug education. Don't do drugs or you may agree to appear in films like this.

Stay away from Da Hip Hop Witch!

Rating: Very bad

Starring: Eminem, Ja Rule, Pras, Vanilla Ice, Rah Digga, Mobb Deep, Charli Baltimore, Dale Resteghini, Steve Grillo, William Harbour, Amy Dorris, Mia Tyler, Spliff Starr, Stacii Jae Johnson, Vitamin C, Benzino, Jonathan Martin, Rock, Michelle Bernard, David Scott Klein, Sherrita Duran, Elijah Rhoades, Tony Prendatt, Namakula the Goddess, La the Darkman, Afu Ra, Professor X, Charlene Quashie, Culver Casson, Jolene Vettese, Pamela Schamberge, Dina Herdigein, Deborah Rigaud, Lucien Taylor, Raven Davis, Beverly Peele, Killah Priest, Royce 5'9", The Outsidaz, Severe, Hell Razah, Dyme, The Cella Dwellas, Lord Jamar, Lidu Rock, Deuce Dutch, 44 Fiedel, Dani Girl, Ill One, Jo Jo, Made Men, 803, Makeba Mooncycle, TC, Diezzle Don, Rhytm Trip, Northstar & Deniro, Chris Simmons, Hangmen 3, Sci, reg reg, Eric Rhea, Parker Holt, Jordan Ashley 
Director: Dale Resteghini

Movie Review: Hollywood Homicide

Hollywood Homicide

Revolution Studios, Pitt-Shelton Productions, The Pitt Group, USA, 2003.

There is a shooting in hiphop-club and members of rap group H2OClick are murdered. Sergeant Joe Gavilan (Harrison Ford) and Detective K.C. Calden (Josh Hartnett) investigate and find out that Music mogul Antoine Sartain (Isaiah Washington) is somehow involved. Gavilan does side business as real estate broker and K.C. wants to be an actor. Gavilan is lonely so he calls night radio show hosted by psychic Ruby (Lena Olin). Corrupt cop Bennie Macko (Bruce Greenwood) tries to tarnish Gavilan's reputation.

Calden and Gavilan

Sartain

Bennie Macko

Calden is a serious ladies' man but Gavilan has also some tricks in his sleeve. Gavilan has business troubles and will go bankruptcy if he can not sell his house. Chance to rescue his business comes when Jerry Duran (Martin Landau) wants to sell his six million dollar house.

Jerry Duran

Gavilan, Ruby and donut

The crime story itself is not very complicated but the movie feels aimless with the rambling plot. It tries to be buddy cop comedy, action film, satire about Hollywood and music industry, business comedy and what else. The best things come from following the side businesses of Gavilan and Calden. The best jokes are placed in the second half of the story. Josh Hartnett feels miscast but Harrison Ford is fun to watch. Still in the their common scenes they have good chemistry. One of Harrison's highlights is when he tries to negotiate real estate deals in the middle of car chase. Much of the humour is based on realization that everyone in Hollywood has several jobs and would like to be actor, singer or scriptwriter. Otherwise the story is routine buddy-cop stuff, easy to watch but not very memorable. Numerous rappers (Kurupt, André Benjamin and Master P) and other stars (Eric Idle, Frank Sinatra Jr. and Smokey Robinson) appear in cameo roles.

Part of The 2016 Movie Watching Challenge (#11. Movie that you haven't seen before starring one of your favourite actors/actresses: Harrison Ford)

Rating: Average

Starring: Harrison Ford, Josh Hartnett, Lena Olin, Bruce Greenwood, Isaiah Washington, Lolita Davidovich, Keith David, Master P, Gladys Knight, Lou Diamond Phillips, Meredith Scott Lynn, Tom Todoroff, James MacDonald, Kurupt, André Benjamin, Alan Dale, Clyde Kusatsu, Dwight Yoakam, Martin Landau, Eric Idle, Frank Sinatra Jr., Robert Wagner, Johnny Grant, Smokey Robinson, Shawn Woods, Anthony Mackie, Choppa, Krazy, Magic, T-Bo, Michael Bentt, Giovanni Antonio Guichard, Shalena Hughes, Eloy Casados, Gregg Daniel, Jamison Jones, Darrell Foster, Christopher Wiehl, Ramón Muniz, Dennis Burkley, Slade Barnett, Alan Davidson, Johnny Sneed , Joe Wandell, Irina Gasanova, Ragan Wallake, Blake Gibbons, Jason Matthew Smith, Valarie Rae Miller, Regina Russell Banali, Butch Cassidy, Kevin Law, K.D. Aubert, Victor Togunde, Kevin Daniels , Ernest Harden Jr., Brianna Brown, Sonia Iris Lozada, Shea Elmore, Luis Avalos, Rudi Frenner, Gretchen Becker...

Director: Ron Shelton

Movie Review: Hood Angels

Hood Angels a.k.a Cool Angels

York Pictures Inc., Urban Girl Productions Inc., USA, 2003.

Three women are arrested for beating up some scum. Felicia (Kita Sha) is a bikini model. She is arrested for assaulting group of creeps who tried to force her into topless photos. Cinnamon (Kenia Brown) is arrested when she defends her brother Snitch (Michael Anthony Scott) and beats up a thug. Traci (Allison Nurse) attacks a gang member (Lee Anthony Marks) who went gone overboard and almost beat up a car thief to death.

Felicia

Cinnamon

Traci

Rapper Chris 'Nitro' Jones (Juvenile) meets his old lawyer friend Larry 'Bling Bling' Washington (Ajmal). Nitro wants Larry to take care of his sister Cinnamon if Nitro dies. Well what do you know, soon Nitro is murdered.

Chris 'Nitro' Jones

Larry Washington

Assassins

The record company Murder Boi has a field day as Nitro's records sell like hot cakes. Record company boss J Day (Layon Gray) is blackmailed by Lt. Gallo (Charles D. Allen). Gallo wants money so he will leave the record company outside the murder investigations. However this blackmailing has no effects on the rest of the story.

J  Day

Shayla

Baby Boy

The other artists and possible gainers from Nitro's murder are rappers Shayla (Erica Goings) and Baby Boy (Skip) and chief financial officer Keefer (Derrick Bishop). To succeed as a rapper in Murder Boi you must have a set of gold teeth. Lejon the mail room clerk (Ronko Moore) brings to mind Marlon Wayans (unfortunately). There is also a guy in suit named Lamioner (Darrick Collins). I mean the guy is named Lamioner, not the suit. I don't know, maybe he is the record company's bodyguard or something.

Keefer

Lamioner

LeJon

The three ladies start to work for Larry. **Cough** "Charlies Angels." Their first case is finding the murderer of Nitro. They get undercover jobs at J Day's firm. It is a dangerous task as all the men in the firm are lusting after the Hood Angels. Luckily the record company has not invested in any acoustic insulation so it is easy to eavesdrop through the paper thin walls. Apparently Murder Boi is laundering money and Nitro was killed for finding it out.

The sound quality is bad, often the traffic noise overwhelms the dialogue. The acting is terrible and you see better action choreography in Friday night grill kiosk queue. The script makes absolutely no sense. The making of featurette has higher production values than the actual film. The DVD-cover looks badly Photoshopped and none of the heroines use guns of nunchakus. It is hard to understand if the makers were serious about the film as it looks like something that a group of friends would put together during a weekend.

Rating: Very bad

Starring: Juvenile, Kenia Brown, Allison Nurse, Kita Sha, Derrick Bishop (as Armont Casale), Erica Goings, Layon Gray, Ajmal, Skip, Charles D. Allen, Darrick Collins, Alton Demore, Dixon Edwards, Ronko Moore, Guy Brody, Tony Spann, Jacquoline Hilton, Karlissa A. Harvery, Thomas Carlton, Lee Anthony Marks, Vic White, Clifton Nelson, Cedric Wynn, Kyona Levine, Michael Anthony Scott

Director: Paul Wynne

Movie Review: Training Day

Training Day 

Warner Bros., Village Roadshow Pictures, NPV Entertainment, Outlaw Productions, WV Films II, USA, 2001. 

Jake Hoyt (Ethan Hawke) is a rookie cop in drug squad. He gets mentoring from detective Alonzo Harris (Denzel Washington). Jake has one day to prove his skills to Alonso. Jake is idealist who wants to make the world a better place by arresting criminals. Little does Jake know what Alonzo has planned for him. Alonzo's training methods are unconventional. Jake must get street-credibility to gain the trust of criminals and soon Alonzo forces him to take a puff from drug pipe. Jake stops to save a schoolgirl from being raped but Alonzo is only after big criminals. He teaches Hoyt that it takes a wolf to catch a wolf.

Jake Hoyt

Jake's wife Lisa (Charlotte Ayanna)

Alonzo Harris

Alonzo and his detective friends rob Alonzo's friend, a retired dirty cop Roger (Scott Glenn). Alonzo has his own gang of corrupt cops and soon Jake finds himself knee-deep in trouble. He can either join the corrupt cops or die. Jake must find a way to beat Alonzo in his own game. The key to survival on the streets is respect so Jake must also make impact on Latin thugs and black gangstas. 

Roger

Latin thugs

Gangstas

Denzel Washington makes an Oscar-worthy role as manipulative cop who always has good explanations for the crimes he commits. Ethan Hawke makes a good heroic cop role. The plot is cleverly written with exciting twists. The first half has street-credible atmosphere but the second half of the film uses some action film clichés. Towards the end the pondering of the ethical gray areas is left to backseat and some convenient coincidences break the realism of the first half. That's why it doesn't quite reach the "L.A. Confidential" level of smartness although it comes close. Some famous actors and musicians appear briefly during the film. Snoop Dogg makes a small role as a crack dealer in wheelchair and Dr. Dre as corrupt cop Paul. Tom Berenger makes a brief visit as District Attorney's shooting team chief (!) and Macy Gray as drug dealer's wife. 

Paul

Rating: Good

Starring: Denzel Washington, Ethan Hawke, Scott Glenn, Tom Berenger, Harris Yulin, Raymond J. Barry, Cliff Curtis, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Macy Gray , Charlotte Ayanna, Eva Mendes, Nick Chinlund, Jaime Gomez, Raymond Cruz, Noel Gugliemi, Samantha Esteban, Richard Browner, Ronald Ellis, William English, Kyjel N. Jolly, Fran Kranz, Janeen Krikorian, Princera Lee, Robert Leon, Seidy Lopez, Kenneth Allen Madden, Sarah Danielle Goldberg, Chris Patterson, Rudy Perez, Darrel Sellers, Ben Skorstad, Cle Sloan, Brett Sorenson, Abel Soto, Will Stewart, Denzel Whitaker, Garland Whitt 

Director: Antoine Fuqua

Movie Review: The L.A. Riot Spectacular

The L.A. Riot Spectacular a.k.a The L.A. Riot Show 

Rockhard Pictures, Visionbox Pictures, entitled entertainment, El Camino Pictures, Cherry Road Films, RichKatz Entertainment, USA, 2005. 

This is a satire film about the 1991 Rodney King incident and the following Los Angeles riots. Snoop Dogg tells a classic American tale. 

Snoop Dogg arrives in the beating scene

From the beginning it is clear that the movie takes a tongue in cheek approach. Rodney King's (T.K. Carter) pursuit is presented as a police car race. Then the cops place bets on what race the driver will be. George Holliday (William Forsythe) films the beating on videotape from his balcony. Later he starts to film adult films.

The videotape is auctioned for the highest bidder. KTLA-channel buys it and shows it over and over and over... again. Media interviews Rodney. Rodney wants to sue the cops so he could be filthy rich. Everyone wants to know what brand of clothes Rodney is wearing tonight. 

TV hosts Harry and Mary

Rodney and his lawyer (Charles Durning). Notice the beer bottles

Black politicians urges the black against the cops. The Mayor (Charles S. Dutton) is unable to calm people and actually makes the situation worse. The Police Chief (Ronny Cox) congratulate the cops on job well done. The he fires them. Officers Koon (Christopher McDonald) and Powell (Emilio Estevez) become the scapecoats so the rest of the police force can wash their hands.

Officers Koon and Powell

The Mayor

The criminal gangs decide that it is futile to kill each other abd combine their forces. On retrial the cops are freed. The Nazis Tom Saltine (Ted Levine) and his son Tom Jr. (Jonathan Lipnicki) are happy. The shooting of black teen Latasha Harlins by Korean shop owner further raises the racial tensions. The beating of white truck driver Reginald Denny starts the riots. TV hosts Harry (David Rasche) and Mary (Anne-Marie Johnson) throw more fuel to the fire. The gangstas notice that "Oh no, we're burning our own hood to the ground." Nielsen ratings rise record high.

Snoop pouring one out for fallen homies

The riots

Nielsen ratings rise

It is quite difficult film to watch without knowing the exact background of the riots. I found myself googling for names every time a new character was introduced. This is like "South Park" with radio stations from "Grand Theft Auto." Jokes are made about every ethnic and demographic group in Los Angeles. As well as about police, media, politicians, gangs, protesters, lawyers, celebrities and people chasing their 15 minutes of fame.

The movie looks like it was filmed with cheap 1990s video camera. It looks intentionally ugly and cheap in the style of amateur videos. Some jokes are hilarious and some are not and then there is also Ron Jeremy. It is outrageous with politically incorrect jokes that are sure to offend. However the stereotypes are aimed at everyone. There is similar gang culture parody as in "Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood" with ever-present 40 oz malt present bottles and random acts of gang violence. However the jokes get repetitive which makes the social satire less effective. Not a movie for everyone but recommended for fans of "South Park" style controversial satire. By taking no sides it shows how pointless the riots were and how nothing hasn't changed. Can't we all just get along? asks narrator Snoop Dogg. 

Rating: Good

Starring: Snoop Dogg, T.K. Carter, Charles S. Dutton, Emilio Estevez, George Hamilton, Charles Durning, Christopher McDonald, Jonathan Lipnicki, Ted Levine, William Forsythe, Ronny Cox, Jude Ciccolella, Ron Jeremy, Tabitha Stevens, Shay Roundtree, Erick Avari, Ian Abercrombie, Eric Axen, Hart Boykin, Lindsey Ginter, Marshall Manesh, Thaddeus Massey, Danielle Rayne, Wylie Small, Stephen Snedden, Steve Tom, Kirk B.R. Woller, Andy B. Dardaine, Michael Buffer, Gregg Daniel, Tony Gonzalez, Dave Mallow, Mark Newsom, David Rasche, Anne-Marie Johnson, Christian Redd, Willy Roberts, Corey Parker Robinson, E-Kan Soong, Patti Yasutake, Joseph Phong Dao, Charles Hailey, Laura Ann Tull 

Director: Marc Klasfeld