Movie Review: Beautiful Creatures (2013)

Beautiful Creatures (2013)
Alcon Entertainment, Belle Pictures, Warner Bros. Entertainment, USA, 2013. 

Based on novel by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl. 

Smalltown boy Ethan Wate (Alden Ehrenreich) has a recurrent nightmare of following a girl and then dying. Gatlin is a boring and ultra-religious place and Ethan wants something else so he reads books to dream about faraway places. Unfortunately most books in the town are banned. He has a pretty but dull and bigoted girlfriend Emily (Zoey Deutch). New mysterous girl Lena (Alice Englert) arrives to school. Her ancestors are rumoured to be devil worshippers. When Lena's car brokes down, Ethan gives her a lift to her home. Lena recommends Charles Bukowski's books to Ethan (how charmingly decadent!). However the towners are certain that Lena's arrival means that something evil is happening. 

Ethan

Lena

Savannah (Tiffany Boone) and Emily

Ethan wants to know Lena better. Lena lives with her uncle Macon Ravenwood (Jeremy Irons) who writes books that the towners want to ban. Macon does not like that Lena is seeing a mortal boy. Also Librarian Amma (Viola Davis) warns Ethan about the girl. Weird stuff happens.

Macon

Amma

Weird stuff happens.

Actually the weird stuff is magic related, lightning storms arise, dining table turns into a merry-go-round and a cartoon-like mini-cloud rains on Ethan. Lena's family are Casters (politically correct version of witches). They also bake tasty cookies (no, really!).

Mmm. Tasty cookies

Ethan thinks it is cool (the spell casting part that is). Lena's family is not evil, but Macon's half-sister Sarafine (Emma Thompson) is. The Casters have to follow either Light or Dark path (hello Star Wars!) when they turn sixteen and a curse prevents them from freely choosing their path. Lena's cousin Ridley (Emmy Rossum) turned wicked and Lena fears that she will too. The curse can be avoided but with a heavy price.

Sarafine

Ridley

Teen fantasy film is quite entertaining with a nice touch of Southern Gothic with Civil War reenactments and shady Louisiana forests. Although it represents the same supernatural teen romance genre as "Twilight" it manages to avoid being overly sappy (although there is still plenty of teen soap opera) and it has a bit more edge with less puritanic characters than in Twilight. It has some nice literary references and encourages reading challenged books. Also there is a running joke about wrongly spelled movie titles. However it is not perfect and has some serious flaws. At some points it feels that it is making heavy short cuts and leaving something out of the book (which I haven't read). Some sideplots were suddenly abandoned and for example the book banning plot had little to do with the actual conclusion. There are numerous characters that we are getting too little information about. Who are all these people? Ridley is depicted as Siren, are the other Casters also mythological creatures? The middle point where Lena is reading a grimoire wastes too much time and the story grinds to halt. The finale was still quite interesting and the target audience of young adult fantasy stories should be happy. What is nice that the visual style looks good and acting is great. Jeremy Irons and Emma Thompson and always good and Emma Rossum was a good femme fatale. The young actors are have good chemistry and probably have shining careers in the future.

Civil War reenactment has an important role in the story.

For some reason the Finnish DVD added random Swedish words into the subtitles.

This is the last of the witch themed movie reviews for now. Next time something else.

Rating: Average

Starring: Alden Ehrenreich, Alice Englert, Jeremy Irons, Viola Davis, Emmy Rossum, Thomas Mann, Emma Thompson, Eileen Atkins, Margo Martindale, Zoey Deutch, Tiffany Boone, Rachel Brosnahan, Kyle Gallner, Pruitt Taylor Vince, Robin Skye, Randy Redd, Lance E. Nichols, Leslie Castay, Sam Gilroy, Cindy Hogan, Gwendolyn Mulamba, Cole Burden, Billy Wheelan, Christopher Darby, Bryan Adrian, Camille Balsamo, Tim Bell, John R. Bennett II, Camille Blouin, Noelle Boggio, Colby Boothman, Beau Brasseaux, Cameron M. Brown, Edward J. Clare, Lindsay Clift, Jacob Coco, Milton Crosby, Erika Erica, J.D. Evermore, Lucy Faust, Andrea Frankle, Emily D. Haley, Charles Hunt, John C. Klein, Cynthia LeBlanc, Elton LeBlanc, Ryan Chase Lee, Wanda Leigh, Ada Michelle Loridans, Jamie Mackey, Treston Miles, Jeffery Nowell, Philippe Radelet, Erin Rementer, Codie Rimmer, Annette Doucet Sharpe, Russ Skains, Kay Smith, Jim Sojka, Jordan Sudduth, Nathan Alan Thomas, Jackie Tuttle, Joseph Uzzell, Justine Wachsberger, Julia Faye West, Rachel G. Whittle, Teri Wyble 

Director: Richard LaGravenese 

Movie Review: The Witches of Eastwick

The Witches of Eastwick

Warner Bros., Guber-Peters Company, Kennedy Miller Productions, USA, 1987.

In a small town of Eastwick three women are more or less bored of their lives. Alexandra Medford (Cher) is a struggling ceramic artist. Sukie Ridgemont (Michelle Pfeiffer) is an overworked reporter and a housewife with million kids. Jane Spofford (Susan Sarandon) is a reserved music teacher who gets unwanted attention from Principal Walter (Keith Jochim). In a school celebration the rain interrupts Walter's boring speech. Funnily all three women wished for the same thing. All women wish to meet a mysterious stranger. And lo, that's what they get.

Oops, not that guy.

Daryl Van Horne (Jack Nicholson) moves into the town. Daryl's arrogance and vulgarity sweeps the ladies off their feet. The trio spends time in Daryl's mansion talking about life, sex and Daryl shows magick tricks. Gossips spread in the small town and the women get a bad reputation. Ultra-religious Felicia Alden (Veronica Cartwright) becomes their sworn enemy, but not for long as she dies in a freaky homicide. All three women get pregnant and Daryl may be the Devil himself. Unable to escape him, the women use Daryl's black magick against him with bizarre consequences.

Sukie, Alex and Jane

Daryl Van Horne

Horror comedy directed by George 'Mad Max' Miller is not one of his best but still fun. It is a strange film, partially it feels like a light sex comedy before taking direction towards Exorcist-style gross-out humour and later it evolves into creepy horror. There are some similarities with "Rocky Horror Picture Show." Susan Sarandon turns from shy girl to sex bomb, there is a weird mansion where the visitors loose their inhibitions and even a Riff Raff (minus the hair) look-alike Fidel (Carel Struycken). Well, it's not a musical and Jack doesn't wear a corset.

Jack Nicholson does a memorably devilish role and it must have been good training for the role of the Joker couple of years later. The main trio is entertaining and the dialogue is good. Still the special effects in the end feel overdone, and leave the feeling of what did I just watch? Soundtrack by John Williams nicely creates playfully magical feeling, and he was nominated for an Oscar for the best original score.

Rating: Good

Starring: Jack Nicholson, Cher, Susan Sarandon, Michelle Pfeiffer, Veronica Cartwright, Richard Jenkins, Keith Jochim, Carel Struycken, Helen Lloyd Breed, Caroline Struzik, Michele Sincavage, Nicol Sincavage, Heather Coleman, Carolyn Ditmars, Cynthia Ditmars, Christine Ditmars, Craig Burket, Abraham Mishkind, Christopher Verrette, Becca Lish, Ruth Maynard, Lansdale Chatfield, Carole White, Babbie Green, Jane A. Johnston, Merrily Horowitz, Harriet Medin, Margot Dionne, James Boyle, John Blood, Ron Campbell, Eugene Boles, Corey Carrier, Kate Barret, Dan Edson, Anthony Falco, Kevin Goodwin, Tara Halfpenny, David Hazel, Melanie Hewitt, Matt Kane, Anne Lindgren, Jessica MacDonald, Corinna Minnar, Scott Nickerson, Stephen Oakes, Ann Senechal, James Staunton, Amy Warner, Jeff Beery, Grenville Cuyler, Robin Eddins, Kevin Fennessy

Director: George Miller

Movie Review: Da Hip Hop Witch

Da Hip Hop Witch

Barnholtz Entertainment, Raging Nation Films, Mogal Productions, Flutie Entertainment, USA, 2000.

What did I pay for this film? 50 Cents naturally.

'The Black Witch of the Projects' attacks the rap stars. It looks like a beautiful woman but turns later into a freakish monster. A very bad groupie probably. The rap producers offer ten million dollars for capturing the witch. Five white kids from Salem with Will (Dale Resteghini) as their leader travel to NYC and try to blackmail rap moguls. Street Don (La the Darkman) makes a bad deal with Big Z (Elijah Rhoades) who wants to take over his company. Street Don gets actually murdered at some point. Ghetto homeboys want to whack the witch. Mr Krump (David Scott Klein) the media mogul wants a good spoof so that means job for tabloid reporter Miss Josephine (Sherrita Duran). Her new secretary Dee Dee Washington (Stacii Jae Johnson) suspects that the witch is only a story told to boost record sales. Whatever. Nothing of that matters.

Eminem as himself

Will (Dale Resteghini)

Dee Dee Washington

So what we have one and a half hours (that feels like 12 hours) of detached scenes of rappers talking dirty and smoking weed, gangstas blustering and idiots cruising on the streets. At least the director knows a lot of rappers as numerous stars including Eminem, Ja Rule, Pras, Mobb Deep, Vitamin C, Rah Digga and Vanilla Ice(!) appear as themselves in endless series of interviews where they tell about their incoherent encounters with the witch. Especially Eminem gets extremely tiresome when he repeats and repeats and repeats (AAAARGH!) the story about how he went to some party in hope of getting free drugs and ended up being molested by the witch (and revealing something about his sexual fetishes that we really didn't want to know). 

Ice Ice Baby

Professor X

Big Z

The movie is shot with handheld cameras in faux documentary style (= it looks like crap). It looks as if the cameramen were just as stoned as the rappers. Frankly, most home movies look better than this. Plotwise (when it finally gets going in the last twenty minutes) it is a rough parody of 'Blair Witch Project' and one of the terrible ripoffs that tried to piggyback on the popularity of the original. 

Just Cruisin'

I have seen some bottom-of-the-barrel hip hop/gangsta movies (for example "The Wrecking Crew"  and "Hood Angels") but this one is more like a hole in the barrel. If I someday make a list of worst hip hop films, this will rank in the top positions.

The movie was made just before Eminem's big break. It was so terrible that he wanted his scenes removed from the film. However the demands were overruled. To add to the insult the distributor Artisan Entertainment inserted a big picture of him in the VHS and DVD covers. Just about the only good thing about it is that it kinda works as an anti-drug education. Don't do drugs or you may agree to appear in films like this.

Stay away from Da Hip Hop Witch!

Rating: Very bad

Starring: Eminem, Ja Rule, Pras, Vanilla Ice, Rah Digga, Mobb Deep, Charli Baltimore, Dale Resteghini, Steve Grillo, William Harbour, Amy Dorris, Mia Tyler, Spliff Starr, Stacii Jae Johnson, Vitamin C, Benzino, Jonathan Martin, Rock, Michelle Bernard, David Scott Klein, Sherrita Duran, Elijah Rhoades, Tony Prendatt, Namakula the Goddess, La the Darkman, Afu Ra, Professor X, Charlene Quashie, Culver Casson, Jolene Vettese, Pamela Schamberge, Dina Herdigein, Deborah Rigaud, Lucien Taylor, Raven Davis, Beverly Peele, Killah Priest, Royce 5'9", The Outsidaz, Severe, Hell Razah, Dyme, The Cella Dwellas, Lord Jamar, Lidu Rock, Deuce Dutch, 44 Fiedel, Dani Girl, Ill One, Jo Jo, Made Men, 803, Makeba Mooncycle, TC, Diezzle Don, Rhytm Trip, Northstar & Deniro, Chris Simmons, Hangmen 3, Sci, reg reg, Eric Rhea, Parker Holt, Jordan Ashley 
Director: Dale Resteghini