Thursday, November 26, 2015

Movie Review: Jurassic Shark

Jurassic Shark a.k.a Attack of the Jurassic Shark 
TomCat Films, Brett Kelly Entertainment, Dudez Productions, Canada, 2012. 
Jurassic Shark title
Hey, it is on IMDB's Bottom 100 Lowest Rated Movies list so it must be good! 

Dr. Lincoln Grant (Jurgen Vollrath) gets permission from Chairman (Jody Haucke) to start drilling through a pocket of ice under a lake. Oil drillers drill too deep and wake up an extinct Megalodon shark (that is actually not from Jurassic era). This happens offscreen as showing drilling platform punching through ice would be too expensive. Two bikini girls Tiffany (Sarah Mosher) & Brittany (Kala Gray) talk drivel and go to swim playfully splashing water. Shark eats them soon. No worries, new bikini girls will enter soon.
Jody Haucke and Jurgen Vollrath
Chairman and Dr. Grant
Sarah Mosher and Kala Gray
Tiffany & Brittany
Some criminals and their boss Barb (Angela Parent) arrive at the lake area. They have stolen a painting and plan to escape in a rowboat. Shark has other plans and the painting falls overboard. The always hungry fish eats one of the bandits.
Angela Parent, Duncan Milloy and Phil Dukarsky
Barb, Rich  and Doug
Also Jill (Emanuelle Carriere) and her friends have decided to visit the lake. Jill wants to reveal the illegal oil drilling operation. Surprise! All of them are dressed in bikinis, except Mike (Kyle Martellacci). When the shark eats people from the both parties, they team up temporarily. So it is Bandit Team Barb, Rich (Duncan Milloy), Doug (Phil Dukarsky) vs. Bikini Team Jill, Tia (Christine Emes) and Kristen (Celine Filion). Then they happily wander in the forest. Soon the bandits take everyone hostages. Rich suddenly goes crazy and thinks that they should sacrifice the girls to the shark god, dead or alive. 
Kyle Martellacci and Emanuelle Carriere
Mike and Jill
Celine Filion and Christine Emes
Kristen and Tia
Eaten by a terrible green screen effect
Dismal continuity - check! 
Cardboard characters - check! 
Overblown epic score - check!
Ultra-generic "plot" - check!
Terrible pacing (just wait until you see the stroll in the forest scene) - check!
Under or overexposed lighting - check!
Awkward use of slow motion - check!
Shark that is too big to live in the small lake but can stealthy prey its victims in knee-deep water - check!
(Bonus: It can even fly!)
Crunchy crispbread eating sound every time shark eats someone - check! 
Silly sequel-baiting end - check! 
12 minute end credits with beer ads - check!

This is completely amateur stuff with zero budget. Shark stock footage is combined with terrible CGI-effects. Even the shark has nothing to suggest that it is Jurassic, it is just a big shark. Also the sound recording is of variable quality. The acting is bad without much putting soul into the roles. Girls, the shark just ate your friend, at least try to look sad for more than five seconds! 

I think this was just an excuse to film some girls in bikinis. Right, dudes?
It is not so bad that it is good, just bad. Still the director Brett Kelly has potential to become Canada's Ed Wood. Recommendable only for the most hardened trash movie connoisseurs. Check the trailer for highlights.
Rating: Very bad

Starring: Emanuelle Carriere, Christine Emes, Celine Filion, Angela Parent, Duncan Milloy, Phil Dukarsky, Kyle Martellacci , Joshua Gilbert Crosby, Kevin Preece, Jurgen Vollrath, Sarah Mosher, Kala Gray, Sherry Thurig, Jody Haucke, Darren Stevens, Ian Quick, Kimberly Wolfe
Director: Brett Kelly

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